grimoire: things seen.noted during sleep paralysis/night&day+night terror *

In order of occurrence:

I was ill when 19/20, this is when night terror began, as distinct from infant period fever dream nightmare stuff. (that is supposed to be some fragmented memory of your last bardo -- gee I am surprised I reincarnated as human then, or maybe I was a very bad daemon before, oh well)(or, bardo when remembered as incarnate thing in samsara has horror in any case)

But Sleep Paralysis 1st//___ ill, prone in bed many days nights unmoving.Drifting in and out if robust dreams containing ultra-theories on reality while staring the clouds pass at day. At night something would appear at the door way (shadow person), then approach. Usually I would scream though not know it and my mother would wake me up (I was living with my mother back then) (1999?) -- progress to weight on body, unable to move or scream &c (the old crone I think it is known as)

Sleep Paralysis 2nd//___ a new stage is reached, involving bodily pain. Head(in dream) out virtual (dreamt) car window every mailbox as shown in american films of a certain era (70s?) (these things are not in england where I was). interminably this went on, my head being hit at velocity. I have no explanation for this, and only one time occurrence. No actual head injury paralysis-sleept-dreamt nor otherwise (this apparent reality outside sleep where my head is) (generally speaking)

3rd//___ the entire world seemed to hinge on me, or I was the hinge, physically speaking, so that everything fell on me, starting with the neighbours back gardens. Crushed. If the world was a book angrily slammed shut I was the bug squashed in the fold. Or maybe I survived.

1/,2/,3/ were most physical experiences. Accompanied by night terror which seems to arise you are paralysed and the world is slamming, bashing, crushing you.


Later, it merely became a sense of fear at night with no detail as such. Some void-like snook-in terror. In the room with you.
This is at night.

When I was 8ish a friend said if he was frightened at night he would imagine witches approaching his bed and pull the blanket completely over his head, as he trusted the blanket to protect him from the witches. This doesn't compute. I would be more fightened, having conjured up some witches in my room. He was made of sterner stuff than me, I guess, Tamim El Ahbed.


I generally sleep with a night light on, despite being 38 now, and there is a wife to lie besides. Naturally a sword lies between us, so we remain chaste. Or am I behind the times?

Night terror, complete.

Moving on, there is a sort of daytime sleep-paralysis terror also. For balance or something??

It is bearable though. Goes something like this:

A lengthy legged spider on walls. Seems to retreat as you watch it.

An unidentifiable lint-full muss slowly moves, though if you measure its trajectory of apparent movement, it never reaches anywhere and is in fact not moving. Yet it moves.

A life-form utterly unknown appears to weave itself amonth itself while near the centre of ceiling above you unmoving head. Like if a living thing wove itself into its being. Dissipates like a shadow.

If head is near some hung clothing, say a cardigan, the sleeves are normal then perfectly circular then normal then transmute to circular normal square right in front of your (we will assume) open eyes.

None of these provoke much terror. The paralysis is there but not the terror. Or I have become used to it. Sometimes the floor seems to vibrate, but that is probably earthquake recollections, or, um, an actual earthquake.


I have not attempted to explain this phenomena.

The spidery shadow things I think have been explained by SCIENCE. Just you wake up and have to re-familiarise yourself with the typical shadows of your bedding zone.


I have reached the end of this grimoire. Please excuse me.


Now as of 11th of 7th month (I think that's July, I'm getting better), the year 2017, I add to the grimoire (it should be called a bestiary or something but never mind):

2 new entities encountered during daytime sleep paralysis with attendant Terror.

They both had complex functions involving discombobulation/disintegration of self, and re-combining, or resolving into something new to be reborn. The beginning-to midway of bardo = (1)
The preparation for exiting (a sort of coaxing was involved) = (2)

Both were feminine roughly in appearance and somehow behaviour, although sometimes acted more like machines. The locale itself was of importance: a mall, or perhaps interior of one of those cruiseships you see on TV, people spend good money to act like a vast pack of basking seals with 30,000+ of their kind. I think that local induces a flabbiness in everyone.

At first abundant with food, entertainment &c, an atmosphere of frivolity, things soon began to run out, fall apart, cease functioning. Also, a dankness grew in the air, perhaps a slightly dark sheen of something almost solid would pass through at regular intervals.

(1)+(2) would intervene at certain points, inducing sleep paralysis in reality, terror in the dream plus terror in the bardo I suppose plus the half-awake terror of (this time) day-terror.

(1) would rebuke any longing for things that were passing away in the mall-like zone. Dead fish eyes.

(2) later offers to coax, as I have said, offering hands out, to come with her, but perhaps it was too soon, & there was still too much terror. . .

-- more maybe later. I may try to visualise them.

That was a populated bardo, which may be odd, but people would go missing suddenly, or end up unmoving, or as part of the surroundings, un-peopled.

I went to Harajuku, it was very slippy . . . + 1st hypothesis towards cute-theory explanation step#1 more to follow

I want to fill in an: un-sibling reversal-Application-Form, so I can have a sister ← this sentence only here because part of sentence is from 5th novella WIP and there was a temporary saving problem so I put it here / / / please ignore / / / ________________________

In Harajuku (nice station building by the way) are crepes and schoolgirls. I think the crepes are mainly only sweet crepes. I have had only a savoury crepe en france.

Why did I go to Harajuku. To enter a room that was a dream, a room I wanted to sit in for several hours if not dwell in, in order to absorb all the room contained. This room → http://ameblo.jp/strawberryand/image-12283787988-13960852895.html

By the way, is there some way of becoming a girl, like by filling in an application form?
___ No there is not ___ / / / ignore this too why not / / /

Harajuku has slippy floors/surfaces everywhere, I don't know, probably because it was raining or maybe just the surfaces have become naturally slippy after years of crepes and schoolgirls (this is almost pre-bubble culture I think) -- I am surprised there is even any ground left to stand/slip/stride on. . . / stumble /

There is a The Fall song of recent years called "Slippy Floor"

Assume Harajuku is not always slippy. That is an assumption, but one I am willing to, um, assert.

Anyway, the dream room. A real room. The room is still likely present, but what made it a dream has likely been packed away. It was an exhibition. I showed it you above ↑ follow the link?

Now to explain somehow coherently my theory of what seems to be an all-girl culture encompassing art, music, fashion &c.

March 11th 2011 was moment of instigation, I think. That is my theory. I have to now explain why.

explanation step 1 (occurs unconsciously):

after trauma, a drive to preserve what is cute, that eases trauma, and is memorial-like for those who died/ vanished (particularly the cute ones) -- NO, it is not that simple -- to preserve the particularly cute means to protect what is vulnerable, un-traumatised. This is most evident in cute things, therefore / / / consider "macho-ism" -- this is typically a male way to act, unconsciously knowing their vulnerable nature (all is soft) and attempting to disguise this in various "macho" ways.
- - - better to accept cuteness - - -

are you following me so far? Y/N __ (fill in in imagination, that is, we presume, in your head, somewhere)(tick or something, or cross out the negative. I won't know anyhow)

macho: the deliberate swagger walk. It may be required on deck at ships at rough seas. Otherways, no, a defense mechanism. Such a visual defense mechanism shows a recognition in the swaggerer of their vulnerabilities. Softness.

We are always soft things at the cusp of non-existence, why pretend otherwise?


I will proceed to step two slowly in another blogpost, the floor is slippy etc./ I will include music videos and EVIDENCE to make my point. It will be an inarguable point.


proceed, now, as you were. As for me, I desperately need to urinate.

current twin peaks theory as of 24th the 6th month 2017

1/ BOB has fore-knowledge of BadCoop leaving Lodge, since at least Annie appeared to Laura (or sometime within those last 7 Days) -- but Lodge-Time may allow absolute knowledge of all events concerning Lodge from moment of first entry -- Leland-as-a-boy "possession"(I would rather call it "Occuptaion" or "Co-option" -- (Mulholland Drive -- how many riders does a buggy have?) -- a "Vehicle" -- If Leland-as-BOB read the diary pages. Assume he/it did otherwise why rip out.

2/ BOB's long-term plan: knowing his vessel will be an FBI agent, lures him to Twin Peaks, ultimately, the Black Lodge. Exits Lodge. An arrangement is made to deal with the 25yr clause -- (is this a BadCoop-yet-still-Coop long-term plan?) --

3(?)/ time-perturbations were present from nr beginning of original series (the red room dream) and before (FWWM), Laura and Coop shared a dream, hence it is possible, from perspective of lodge-time, Laura gained this fore-knowledge and gained agency over BOB, hence not becoming his vehicle (her death) is only the beginning of her victory, over BOB. Then Coop will be an agent in a sense of Laura's. And Annie may have been manufactured as a lure for Coop, but Laura had the first move.

We are seeing a game at the start of its decisive end-positions.

From a meta-way, BOB was "manufactured" in the filming process of the pilot (mistake sound -- I think -- operator -- or set dresser?) -- Last night I dreamt I was in that room, and looked terrified into that mirror. Which is now haunted.

Maybe it will all end with the mirror. Recognise the accident that moved the series along.

The black box monitored room is to "see" another "accident" and give it form, or complete what started with the "accident". A reset.

Tune in some other time when all my theories will have been annihilated, I will have something else by then.


dream had 12th May 2017, will appemd continuations and link via twitter where great approival will be gained part1.

I had hungover dream, riding a train, the wirral, a school colleague
who later died in a drug-deal gone wrong, and a comet, or something,
explosive --

ex-ploded, beautiful it was, look at that, I sd to schoolcolleague,
and was not comet/metero like/ more a storm of black with all colours
glowing within --

viewers of madoka may think of it as walpurgeiss nacht witch - he was
not a friend as such, but we had to do athletics runnings things
together, he always 1st, I 2nd--

--the train driver was able to escape the explosion by going thru
buildings, down steps &c, until end of line, and streets were melted,
glass-like, hot to the feet --

-- and he was thought to be missing first, not dead, I had rd in local
paper, and he'd married his schoolgirl-girlfriend, who made plea for
his re-appaearance, in newspaper --

**// ah this is something else/ a dream midrash/** // ah ' OH, all below likely write on ambien, hence obliteration of spelling. This too, but ambien hasn't kicked in yet or don't think it has, I can't see almost/// 21st May, interpolation./

I was preparing to call an ambulance for myself monday afternoon (is there etiquette involved, calling ambulance for yourself?) So but, as I thougt I was suffering head pain similar to prelimenaey thingy araxhnoid haemato

Ma haematoma &c & thougt best way of survicmg such a thing is to seek trained medical like assistance sooner rather than later.
I wondered what one needs to wear when going to hospital. And cbineta, I assume there are little cabinets to put things i.e., books in, a change of socks. Oh, a toothbrush. oh, tooth paste!

I became almost fond of the idea, of entering a hospital. The in-laws, one or two at least, may visit. Thinking fondly in such a manner got me through the pain (plus aome sobbing, sobbing seems to have its part to play in pain management).

I thought in the hospital they (trained medical people) may want to drain somw blood from my head. Maybe an mri, maybe a spinal tap. Almost for certain, a colonoscopy. and the same, throatways. At the same time!

**// at first was going to put this on twitter but is too long / so here for now / half-way thru the dream/ I remember the rest / I have had other dreams since but I remember still the continuation of above dream , . . . . / for now here we are, as kahala tomomi sang/sings still on occasion.

---- ** this dream accont will continue, I remember its ending still, also, another dream intervened, involved a cat. The prior dream (not yet fully told to include cat) include cat. The intervening dream, involving also a cat, shall not be fully described. Only to say:

A cat of a neighbour(not real, in the dream, and in the dream much more rich than me &c) needed a cat to be looked after, for I think three days. He (it was a he((the neighbour,in the dream also had a rabbit, but this did not require me looking after it)
the cat was clever, I think, and liked to eat the food of the rabbit, as a treat, or something.

The rabbit was powerless.


eventually I will return to the first dream, but there may be interventions. I think this is what this blog here shall be for, for now, for a while, or maybe ever ever.

Please stay attuned.

--- 29th of the 5th month, I think that is May(?) 2017 ---

2nd 6th (I think that is June, 2017) -- let us continue this nonsense --

I had dream some days ago (no dreams now, I can't slept, only night-day-night-daydreams (awake thoughts in other words, endless))

I had dream, gordon, some days ago, I was in indonesia (never actually been) taken over by an alternative (though reality is quite close-to-truth) fascist japanese "government" -- a particular picture of hitler with tanks on a bridge drew attention. I made friends with an indonesian boy.

Why I was there I don't know. There were no cats.

Now as I attempt writing my recollection of the dream it dwindles as though in retreat, as though my writing about it makes it afraid.

--Stop nonsense for a while stop. all stop. stop. -- it will re-occur once I lie down.

Oh did I mention I was looking after a cat for three days (in a dream) (looks above, yes I see I did mention that Oh well.)

"Hind Square"

-- we will get back to the first time when the stars are correct in alignment. Forgive me. --

------ (I am just going to post like this from now on. noone cares anyway. an infinite typewriter)

- anyway now I recall the indonesian dream further, I needed to write two pairs of kanji, and liberate indonesia. I can't remember them. They are halfway in my head and halfway elsewhere. one has 月 in it. (moon). and can't sleep and can't dream to get back there. maybe that is all real and I am here in an unreal-real and being blocked from returning to help.

I want to help/

and HELP!


(same day,month, year, as above, or is it below)


OH! and in the Indonesian boy's room/house was volume 9 of Proust, but in english there are only 6 volumes. But in french there are, like. 12, or something? it may have been easier for everyone to publish them like in francais, then it may not seem so daunting. I have the pink/yellowy volumes, 1-4 and a whiteish 5, but no 6 yet. I wanted all the pink/yellowy ones, for harmony's sake. But it wasn't to be. I often have re-occurring dreams about finding the pink/yellowy volumes. Anyway, what is volume 9 in francais? je ne sais pas. I got lost in volume four half way during a 400pg or so dinner or something party, so vowed to start from three. the last paragraph or so of volume 2 is one of my favourite paragraphs. Also, I heard volume 6 is not available in amerika? Why or this is simply something my mind has made up to confuse me, like dreams, and lack of sleep. I have reached a hallucinatory stage of that (lack of sleep) by the way, circa 18:56, 2nd 6th, the June month, and the year is still 2017, and will be for a while, although days, months, years don't exist quite so much. Proust exists more. A day month year is an overlay of samsara over a samsara which is already an overlay, I think, according to milarepa, I think. "repa" means wrapped in thin cloth, I think. he could deal with the cold. probably he would enjoy sleeplessness. Or in fact did.

But nothing is for sure, no clear view of things. Let us enjoy obscurity!


forALL FORSOOK art history

note to self
idea of

something on Rachel Blau DuPlessis

-- / that I don't recall writing, I found it this afternoon. I found several strange notes this afternoon. Because I have forgot how to sleep once more.

In any case, I am re-re-re-reading Drafts, currently the volume 39-47&c /// I have the first volume but is in a differing country from the one I'm in. And I don't have final volume or some interim. Yet.


the note goes:

of the what

RBDuP asks,

the what she asks,

I double back to

re-ask(rescue) not

meaning but the

continuous question -----

not sure if I wrote this or it is a quote from something.

It makes sense to me. More so recently than other things.

Excuse me.

my favourite almost film / end of a love triangle /

kimagure orange road (no idea why it's called that) : everyone has psychic powers in tv series but in this movie which resolves the love triangle nothing is mentioned of such powers. I have it on VHS with english sub at home. Here, you have to deal with Korean sub, useless to me. There is also a spanish version I think. Ask and you shall receive. The moment on the bridge. The moment on the bridge. The moment on the bridge.

I cry at the very thought of watching this film....

bye bye 少女閣下のインターナショナル

-- collated material. the Go Seigen white and black fuseki books illustrate the black&white costume(with intermittent grey) of the group, their ending I here lament --

bye bye shoujyo international . . .

"beauty is so rare a thing . . . " Spicer paraphrases(?) Pound "So few drink at its fountain . . ."

In just two years or something the marginal-idol unit shoujyo kakka no international released a "one coin"(500en) single, a 4-track EP, a "first & last single" (so what was the previous one?) and a full 15-track (though tracks 1+15 are sort of short) album, then a last "one-man" live, (a friday ago) (one-man=no support act, I used to think meant just one person from a band would be appearing. . . and there is no "one-woman" . . . my advice, don't worry about these things, live & learn.

少女閣下のインターナショナル = well, the email of management said "his excellencies international young girls`&c" I think but I tend to prefer to think of "her majesties", and maybe I prefer to think of "setsuko hara" the reclusive once film star of Ozu films, and them being ghost emissaries of her spirit. This fits the filmic content/imagery of the music, that references Plan 9 from Outer Space/ Hitchcock / &, erm, Kevin Bacon (?), and kaiju films also.... essentially a chaotic paradigm, the music would involve maverick transitions, people talking over people singing, sudden outbursts, "that cover" (smell like teen . . . ) walking into walls repeatedly, maybe a reference to that old silent japanese film "pages of madness", asylum-like clothing co-ordination, all combined by some miraculous oversee-ing structure that parodied a shambles. To reference two other marginal-idol units, somewhere between BELLRING and escalator or elevator.

I don't want to see their like again, I want to see THEM again (another filmic reference, in fact) (film about giant ants)

少女閣下のインターナショナル was so rare a thing, approx 300 people drank at their fountain at their last live. (or drank cocktails named after songs, each drink accompanied by a poloroid (chaki)(what is origin of this word?)(it is name of the camera, a mini-dinky-little thing, the photo is taken with)

I am quite moved and don't know what to do with myself for a while now.






where I




( -_・)?
( -_・
( -_




NEW TREE re-NEWed / re-configured

//wife-woman made this so could become postcard, to send to who-I-don't-know//
EDIT*(I worded this utterly wrongly, I mean I made the damned tree image, with ink etc, and she made it post-cardable using special software on her mysterious modern phone)*

The bit upper-left corner is a plant of some sort, a real plant I mean. A flower I mean. I should attempt to identify it.

Seems rude not to.

You should see all the things I have picked up since then (time of picking up that flower) and now.

wife-woman oddly tolerant of this behaviour. Thank you.

(actually my friend became newly wed around this time so I like to thing of this as NEW TREE NEWLY-WED)

I am become romantic o_o


I been unproductivly productive today
like a dream I may not have dreamed yet


and yet

are you for once happy?
Wouldn't know how to gauge such

enjoy while lasts

OH&my pains have mostly gone
What shall I do without them?